If you’ve made it this far, you’re in a good place. This is one area where you can offer financial support. Doctors, therapists, and support groups can recommend appropriate treatment programs. This is the time for tough love.
Not following through on consequences
Someone with an enabler personality has a desire to help others, so much so that they would help them even when their behaviors can harm them. While it might feel like you’re helping in the moment, this behavior often makes it harder for the addicted person to change or grow. An enabler, however, might repeatedly call in sick for that loved one at work or make excuses for their behavior, preventing them from facing consequences or taking accountability for their own life. For example, a helper might assist a loved one in finding a therapist or attending support meetings if they’re struggling with mental health or substance use issues.
- If you or your loved one crosses a boundary you’ve expressed and there are no consequences, they might keep crossing that boundary.
- Breaking this pattern can be the first step toward breaking the cycle of harmful behavior.
- There are no particular personality traits that make someone an enabler.
- This is why it is so important to encourage loved ones to seek things like addiction treatment, support groups, or detox opportunities so that they can get the help they need from health professionals.
Advocate for addiction treatment8. Learn about addiction2. Recognizing the signs of being an enabler is important to stop it before it goes too far. Resenting the person or problem This may be necessary because they are unable or unwilling to meet the needs of their personal obligations.
For example, a narcissistic enabler might protect a narcissist from facing the consequences of their actions. The psychology behind enablers often comes from a mix of past experiences, traumas, family dynamics, and personality types. This not only allows the harmful behavior to continue but also creates stress, guilt, and resentment for the parent, trapping both in an unhealthy cycle. It can quickly turn into a draining and unhealthy relationship when loved ones try to provide support they aren’t qualified for.
By downplaying the seriousness of the situation, the enabler avoids facing uncomfortable truths, but this denial only allows the harmful behavior to continue unchecked. For example, a parent might insist, “They’re just going through a rough patch; it’s not that bad,” even as their child’s substance use becomes more obvious. While the intention is to help, this behavior allows the harmful cycle to continue and can lead to burnout for the caretaker. For example, a parent of an adult child with substance use issues might prepare all their meals, clean their home, and handle their bills, thinking, “If I take care of everything, they won’t spiral further.” A person who engages in caretaking enabling provides constant care to another person in hopes that they can protect that person from harm.
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“Enabling happens when you see a loved one making unhealthy life choices, so you assume the role of problem solver. The difference is that enabling takes helping to an extreme. That kind of thing happens sometimes, and it’s probably OK. Or that it’s necessarily problematic to help an adult child pay an overdue bill here or there. There’s nothing wrong with helping others from time to time. That can be things like giving money to an adult child who hasn’t spent theirs wisely.
How to Find Treatment for Addiction
They may focus their time and energy on covering those areas where their loved one may be underperforming. Enabling behaviors can be common in codependent relationships. Motivations for enabling behavior can be complex and multifaceted, often involving a combination of factors.
How to Stop Enabling Someone
For example, a partner might agree to buy alcohol for someone struggling with drinking, thinking, “If I don’t do it, they’ll get angry or find a way to get it anyway.” This often stems from a desire to keep the peace, diffuse tension, or avoid conflict, even though it continues unhealthy situations. This stage is often rooted in fear, guilt, or a desire to avoid conflict, and it prevents both the enabler and the other person from addressing the issue. Instead of learning to budget or manage their finances, the person becomes reliant on the rescuer, continuing the problem and creating an unhealthy dynamic. For example, a friend might repeatedly loan money to someone who overspends, thinking, “If I don’t help, they’ll be in serious trouble.”
Is an Enabler as Bad as an Abuser?
When a loved one engages in impulsive or self-destructive behavior, it’s normal to want to help and make things better. It does this by providing compassionate care and evidence-based content that addresses health, treatment, and recovery. The enabler is the person who wants to keep everyone happy. Sometimes it’s a case of continually explaining the absence of a parent who really is out drinking or gambling to excess.
You Set Aside Your Own Needs
Instead of focusing on what you feel you did wrong, identifying concrete behaviors that might have excused your loved one’s actions could help. This may allow the unhealthy behavior to continue, even if you believe a conflict-free environment will help the other person. When someone you care about engages in unhealthy behavior, it can be natural to make excuses for them or cover up their actions as a way to protect them. In this case, an enabler is a person who often takes responsibility for their loved one’s actions and emotions. The term “enabler” refers to someone who persistently behaves in enabling ways, justifying or indirectly supporting someone else’s potentially harmful behavior.
Below, we explore the motivations and psychological factors behind enabling behavior. These are all examples of enabler behavior. Giving a family member living with a substance use disorder the money to buy drugs.
Avoid using substances around them
You might say, “If you spend this money on anything other than rent, I’m not going to give you any more money.” There may come a time in your relationship when you’ve had enough. This can make it more likely they’ll continue to behave in the same way and keep taking advantage of your help.
Protective Enabling
- Over time, an enabler begins to resent the person or problem they have been supporting.
- Enabling is very commonly seen in the context of substance abuse, substance use disorders, and addiction.
- After learning more about addiction, you should now realize that most people do not recover on their own and almost always require professional treatment.
- It keeps both people stuck—one avoiding responsibility and the other carrying more than they should.
While the parent’s intentions come from a place of love and protection, their actions unintentionally enable the child to avoid responsibility for their choices. The young adult spends their money on drugs or alcohol, and when they can’t pay their rent, the parent steps in to cover it. For example, imagine a parent whose adult child is struggling with substance use. Without setting healthy boundaries, these patterns can prevent both people from growing and lead to frustration, resentment, and burnout. They might think, “If I don’t step in, everything will fall apart,” but this mindset keeps them stuck in a cycle of overgiving while the other person avoids responsibility.
There are many support groups like Al-Anon that are intended specifically for family and friends of people addicted to drugs and alcohol. The first thing to do if someone you care about has a problem with drugs or alcohol is to learn more about addiction and the long term effects of drugs. Recognize when this happens and make self-care a priority so you can be there to continue providing support as needed. Spouses and parents sometimes lie and make excuses to other people about their family member having a problem with drugs or alcohol.
Enablers often act out of love, guilt, or fear of losing the relationship, but this behavior creates unhealthy patterns. Generational trauma is one example—patterns like “family always takes care of each other” can be passed down in ways that discourage healthy boundaries or accountability. Many enablers grow up in situations where they feel responsible for keeping the peace, solving problems, or what does being an enabler mean making others happy.
Enabling behaviors can often seem like helping behaviors. Most people who enable loved ones don’t intend to cause harm. It’s difficult for someone to get help if they don’t fully see the consequences of their actions.
“We don’t want to see our friends or family struggling. But enabling happens in many other contexts as well. Advertising on our site helps support our mission. When someone you love is struggling, it’s natural to want to help. Receive weekly insights to help you and your loved ones on your road to recovery.
But the reason for the behavior doesn’t really matter. Your loved one tends to drink way too much when you go out to a restaurant. It’s often frightening to think about bringing up serious issues like addiction once you’ve realized there’s a problem. Someone struggling with depression may have a hard time getting out of bed each day. Or you may call your child’s school with an excuse when they haven’t completed a term project or studied for an important exam. Helping them out each month won’t teach them how to manage their money.
